Sierra Holland on why abortion stigma is violence, how there is no one way to support someone having an abortion, and why abortion work must include the continual work of antiracism and abolition. 

Sierra Holland is a full spectrum doula who provides birth support, education and preparation, and abortion support at her practice, All Bodies Birth. Holland’s doula work expands from reproductive support to reproductive justice through inclusive and person-centered care. As per her site, her practice is “unequivocally pro-queer, pro-trans, pro-Black, pro-brown, pro-sex worker, pro-immigrant, and pro-abortion.”

Abortion support and individual needs vary from person to person, but having someone to help meet those needs, whether through physical, practical, or emotional support, might make the experience more manageable. 

We wanted to check in with Holland about what abortion care might look like and around the Texas abortion ban on abortions as early as six weeks. 

XE: Thanks for joining me today, Sierra. I’m so curious about your background; how did you get interested in birth work?

SH: I grew up on a farm with a mother who was first a vet tech and later a labor and delivery nurse—the transitions and cycles of life were so normalized for me from a young age, and I credit my ability to do this work with my whole heart now because of that. My teen years were like a rubber band—I desperately wanted to be different from my family and my small town, so I went into academia, yet my research took me right back into reproductive healthcare and advocacy work. While I was working on my Ph.D. in Sociology, which specialized in the intersection of sexualities, family building, and medical sociology, I had the opportunity to learn alongside some incredible queer families who participated in my dissertation project. Their openness in sharing their experiences as oppressed people gathering their resources and community support to build creative, expansive, beautiful families changed me and showed me all the ways people can show up for folks in their reproductive lifespans. Apparently, I began talking about this nonstop, because my wife finally enrolled me in a doula training, and I dove headfirst, while also finishing a Ph.D.! When the pandemic began, I felt the call from my community to move deeper, and I began training as a community midwife to provide affirming, full-scope midwifery care for people of all genders and sexualities. That is the bulk of my work these days, although I am still supporting my community as a doula for transitions like abortion, gender affirmation, and fertility.

XE: I love that progression—you were predisposed at a young age! Did you go through specific training to be an abortion doula? 

SH: When I began training as a doula in 2017, there were few programs that taught "full-spectrum" work. I didn't even know what that phrase meant at the time, but I knew that holding space for transitions meant way more than being present at a person's labor. Having grown up on a farm, I hold a deep reverence for the liminal space in which people (and animals) move from one state of being to another. I decided to seek out other trainings and do my own self-study before calling myself a full-spectrum doula, and have been lucky to train in abortion support with Full-Spectrum Doula Circle, as a PAIL Advocate with QUILT, and as a Peer Counselor with Exhale Pro-Voice. I'm currently learning from the Institute for the Study of Birth, Breath, and Death because I know that the work of bettering myself as a companion is continual.

XE: How did you get interested in providing abortion support? 

SH: Becoming a full-spectrum doula has been a continual evolution and, to be honest, a raising by my community of fellow queer healers and companions. I saw a need and felt called to participate in filling it. There have certainly been influential moments along the way: my own aloneness and difficulty accessing Plan B in my rural town after a sexual assault as a teen, my friend's experience of homophobia in medication abortion care in a "progressive" city, learning of a close family member's abortion much after the fact because of the shame my family carried. At those junctures, I wished deeply for a companion—not just for the person accessing abortion care, but for the providers, the loved ones, and the partners who were affected, too.

XE: Your first time serving as an abortion doula, what was that like?

SH: I worried I wouldn't be "enough"—that I wouldn't do enough, bring enough tools, say enough of the "right" things. But I showed up for that person anyways. I'm sure it was imperfect, but they were certainly not alone.

XE: What do you think about the abortion bans in Texas? How do abortion restrictions and stigma (in America and beyond) add to the emotional toll of receiving an abortion?

SH: The stigma is a kind of violence. It delays care, disrupts healing, and holds people in positions of powerlessness in their own lives. I feel strongly about normalizing abortions—any number, at any time, for any reason, by any person because I see all too often the damage done by society and influential others when a person has abortions.

XE: For so long, there hasn’t been much support in our culture for people who receive abortions; it’s still such a stigmatized procedure which is why I find abortion doulas so necessary. I think about the Buddhist Japanese tradition Mizuko kuyo, (ceremony for those who have experienced miscarriages, abortions, or stillborn births) and how it provides intentionality around that experience and grief one may feel. Part of what’s so difficult about having an abortion is there aren’t many dedicated places where you can put that grief, stress, or emotional hardship. Can you describe any rituals you might provide with someone while you’re serving them? I can imagine it’s not a “one size shoe fits all” type of support and part of the practice is showing up and catering to whatever that person needs. Is that right?

SH: It's definitely tailored to the individual, and not every person wants ritual or ceremony around it. If they do, sometimes it comes much later on, perhaps upon milestone moments like would-be due dates, anniversaries, others' baby showers, etc. My first step is always to ask a person how they are thinking and feeling and speaking about their pregnancy, and then meet them in that space. For some, it is a baby with a name and a planned future, and I might help that person write a letter to their baby or craft a memorial altar. For others, it is an embryo that needs to be removed and they might prefer to meditate on the embodied process of passing tissue with prayers, songs, or movement. There's no one way and there's no right way to honor an abortion. There's also no need to craft ritual if it doesn't resonate with people—maybe it's experienced as a quick appointment they have on their lunch break and then they move on with their lives. All valid.

XE: Absolutely, everyone’s needs are so different and there’s no right way, other than the way that’s right for that individual. On that note, what other forms of support might an abortion doula do?

SH: Sometimes abortion support is very practical—getting someone a ride to their appointment, picking up their meds, making them a meal, providing care for other children or pets, contacting a loved one—and sometimes abortion support is deeply emotional—listening, validating, affirming, holding. Usually, it is a unique mix of the two.

XE: Just like how there’s no one way to provide abortion support, there’s no typical abortion story; can you share some of the spectra of stories you’ve heard?

SH: I have heard abortion stories from every single type of person imaginable. There is no one type of person who has abortions and no one story. The stories aren't mine to share, but lots of people have participated in ethical story sharing through the platform Exhale. I encourage people to read those!

XE: How do you mentally or spiritually prepare? What about self-care after holding space for others?

SH: For me, there is always a moment of release after supporting someone through any type of transition. Sometimes it comes immediately, as I cry in the car on the way home, and sometimes it comes days or weeks later, as I'm walking my dog in the woods and thinking about the immense privilege I have in making choices to craft a life that sustains and fulfills me. The incredible care that my wife takes of me is the reason I can keep doing this work—whenever that release comes, I know she will hold me in it without question or judgment.

XE: What informs your practice as an abortion doula?  

SH: Attempting to bar people from safe and equitable abortion access is a deeply racist and classist practice, and to be an abortion doula means sitting in the continual work of antiracism and abolition. I aim to always be intersectional, affirming, and intentional in this work.

XE: Anything you wish you could say to legislators? 

SH: People will always have abortions—that's not a question. The question is whether those abortions will be safe, accessible, and grounded experiences or not, and whether the people who provide and facilitate those abortions will be supported in doing so.

XE: Anything else you’d like to share?

SE: Anyone who has a heart for this work can show up and support others during their abortion experiences—no fancy training, certification, or flashy tools necessary. This work is deeply rooted in community care and mutual aid, and it will continue on regardless of legislation, legality, or social acceptability. Local, independent clinics keep our communities safe and they need us to show up for them however we can. You do not need a reason to have abortions. Your abortion experience is valid. Having multiple abortions is ok. 

Xenia Ellenbogen (she/they) is a freelance sex and mental health writer. She focuses on sex work, LGBTQIA+ issues, menstrual equity, gender, and trauma. She holds a BA in writing from The New School. Twitter: @_xeniae

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

We can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel! Hitting on cute people at bars, swiping enthusiastically with intent to bang, dates where you can reach out for a kiss. In the meantime, might as well make the sex we’re having with ourselves hot as hell! 

Focusing on self-exploration boosts your understanding of what gets you going, brings you plenty of pleasure, and it’s a great self-soother and mood booster to help get us through lockdown. PLUS, it also helps reduce the spread of COVID-19 – and that is pretty dang sexy. 

So, if you’re feeling a little bit uninspired to get into some self-loving, here are some ways to spice things up! 

Exploring edging. You may have heard about edging before as a way to amp up the heat in both solo and partnered sexual encounters. In essence, edging is about coming very close to having an orgasm and then stopping right before you do. Definitely spicy. You can explore edging by yourself in a handful of different ways! When you’re almost at your peak, you can slow down the pace of your touches, decrease the pressure, or move away from touching your most sensitive areas. Edging can be super erotic in itself, and it can make your orgasms even more intense!

Exploring all erogenous zones - genitals and beyond. It can be easy to get into a rut with masturbation or solo sex of always going to the genitals for some quick n easy pleasure. But you can build the heat by making it a whole-body experience. Take some time to explore your ears, neck, thighs, face, chest, butt, and more. You can set a timer for how long to explore your body WITHOUT touching your genitals and turn it into a game or pull out some lotion or body oil to make the experience extra luxurious. Exploring different types of touch as well – tickling sensations, grabbing, massaging, stroking, kneading – can all increase the intensity. Expand the possibilities even further by incorporating toys. These can include nipple clamps or suckers, feather ticklers, butt plugs, paddles, and more.

Romance yourself! When the days blur together, it can feel hard to transition yourself into a sexy or sensual mood. One way to cue your body and work with your arousal response is to take yourself out on a date! Carve out some time away from your phone and other distractions to focus on yourself and your pleasure. Have a nice bath, treat yourself to some nice food or other substances, light some candles, get comfy in some cozy clean sheets. Check out Ev’Yan Whitney & Froetic Sexology for tips on tapping into your sensuality and building a sensual pleasure practice. 

Sext a robot! Yes, you read that right! If you want to connect and built a sexy fantasy, there is a chatbot just for you! Slutbot is an amazing chatbot created by Juicebox that allows you to engage in sexting! Choose what gender you want to sext, if you'd like vanilla or kinky sexting, and have at it! It will also text you periodically with prompts and roleplay scenarios to help keep sexiness on your brain and allow you to sext regularly. Created by sex educators, this tool is perfect if you are itching to sext to but don’t want or have access to sexting another human being.

Location, location, location. This might seem like a simple suggestion but switching where you get into your self-loving can help masturbation feel totally new! Depending on your living situation this might look like laying down a blanket and pillows on your bedroom floor, having some bath or shower time fun, using a chair, or if you’re lucky, even jumping onto the kitchen counter. 

Switch up positions! Switching up positions is an even easier way to spice things up if you want to stay in your usual spot. If you usually explore solo sex on your back, try it out on your side, back, stomach, bent over, crouching on a toy, or grinding on a pillow or toy. Have some pillows ready to get comfortable and expand your options. 

Undress yourself. This tip comes from sexologist Dr. Lindsey Doe of the Sexplanations YouTube channel – and it’s to undress yourself like a lover! While we might be missing the physical presence of another person during lockdown, you can mimic the tactile experience by undressing yourself intentionally. This can either be slow and tender, leading into a romantic solo sex session or rough and passionate for some intense play.

Create an audience! Spice things up by dipping your toe into voyeurism and exhibitionism! Voyeurism is when you get aroused by watching others, and exhibitionism is when you get aroused by being watched by others. You can tap into this by simply masturbating in front of a mirror. If you want to amp it up, you can record video or audio of yourself having solo sex (and maybe throw in some dirty talk for good measure) or take some sexy selfies! Keep them for yourself or share them with others!

Explore JOI porn. If you are truly exhausted by the idea of having to lead your solo sex session – you can hand the reigns over to someone else! JOI stands for Jerk Off Instructions, and it’s a genre of porn where the performer guides you through exactly how to touch yourself. There are video and audio versions of JOI, so explore to your heart's content. 

Purchase a sex worker’s digital offerings! There are so many sex digital offerings that you can purchase to keep it spicy! From custom clips (including JOI) or photos, cam sessions, or subscribing to someone’s OnlyFans or Patreon account – these are all great ways you can involve other people in your sexuality from a socially distant way away! 

Explore a new type of erotic material! Have you ever explored erotic comics? Or erotic ASMR? Audio erotica? There is a whole world of erotic material that is so different from the mainstream porn designed for cisgender, heterosexual men and it’s just for you!!

Explore CBD/THC products. Last, but certainly not least – is CBD/THC sexual wellness products! The sexual wellness and cannabis industry has exploded in the last few years, and there are so many amazing CBD and THC wellness products out there! These include lubes and oils to increase blood flow to your genitals, increase relaxation and reduce pain, and provide unique sensations! While these tonics aren’t magic potions to blast your solo sex into another orbit all by themselves, they can be a fantastic addition to an intentional pleasure practice. Shop around and see what works best for you! 

Eva Bloom (she/they) is a queer sexuality educator and sex science communicator. They aim to break down the rigid scripts around sexuality and affirm marginalized individuals to build their most authentic sex lives, feel at home in their identities, and have confidence in navigating their sexual health. She is the creator of the digital sexual wellness program "F*ck the Patriarchy, F*ck Yourself", as well as the webseries "What's My Body Doing" which has garnered more than 2.5 million views on YouTube.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

I promise, it’s not like that prom scene from Carrie. 

If you’ve been taught that period sex is inherently gross, dirty, or shameful, I have news for you: that lesson was taught by the patriarchy. 

You’re not alone — many of us are taught from an early age that menstruation is gross, shameful, and something that should only be discussed behind closed doors (if at all). It isn’t a coincidence that we’re also taught all of those same things about sex. So, when you take two taboo subjects and put them together, what do you get? “Ugh, gross…”  

The effects of those early lessons about menstruation and sex don’t just go away when we get older; they stick with us as time goes on. So despite the fact that period sex can help relieve cramps, build intimacy, and be pleasurable for everyone involved, it generally gets pushed to the side.

Period sex has a bad reputation, but it didn’t do anything to deserve it. Here are four common myths about period sex debunked, plus what you really need to know about each one.  

Myth #1: “It’s going to be a bloodbath.”

We can chalk this one up as a half-truth. Unless you have endometriosis, PCOS, or another condition that causes extremely heavy bleeding, you probably don’t experience a heavy flow for your entire period. 

The amount of blood involved in period sex is going to depend on how much you’re bleeding that day and if you are using additional lubricants. Using lube doesn’t stop your flow, it basically dilutes the blood so you notice it less. 

If you want to have period sex and want to minimize the amount of blood involved, try: 

• Having sex in the shower
• Sticking to external play 
• Using barrier methods or gloves for easy clean-up
• Laying a dark towel or blanket down
• Using toys over period underwear

None of those things will get rid of the blood, they just create a little mental distance between you and it. There are tons of options, so play around and find something that feels good for you—that’s kinda the whole point! 

Myth #2: “It’ll feel gross for the non-menstruating partners.” 

First off, we each have our own personal yuck-o-meter that gauges how we feel about a particular situation. Second, period sex really doesn’t feel all that different from sex when someone isn’t menstruating. 

I once surveyed my Instagram followers and asked them what period sex felt like; the responses included “extra slippery”, “great, but stickier than normal”, “like a massage”, “liberating”, and “not all that different from any other time.” 

Those responses were from folks who menstruated and their partners. In fact, many folks with penises reached out to say that period sex was really fun and pleasurable for them. So, have a conversation with your partners to see how you all feel about it. If you’re just not sure, you can always try it out and say “hey, it’s not for me.” 

And if you’re down but your partner isn’t, that’s okay—period masturbation can be equally fun and pleasurable. 

Myth #3: “You can’t get pregnant during period sex.”

This myth ultimately depends on your cycle, but in general—yeah, you can get pregnant if you have penis-in-vagina sex without using a barrier method while you’re on your period. The chances that someone who is menstruating would get pregnant are pretty low, but not zero, and it gets higher the later into your period you get.  

Your personal risk will depend on how long your cycle is, how consistent your cycle is, and what day sex happens. To minimize that risk, you can: use a barrier method, emergency contraception, or another form of birth control. You can also stick to types of play that can’t result in a pregnancy, like oral sex, mutual masturbation, or using toys on each other. 

Myth #4: “Having sex on your period is always painful.” 

Periods can come with physical discomforts, like back pain, muscle fatigue, and abdominal cramps. Some people also experience vaginal pain during their period, describing their vulva and vagina as feeling tender. Or, your cervix may feel particularly sensitive while you’re menstruating. 

That doesn’t mean that period sex is or should be painful, though. 

If you aren’t actively seeking out pain during sex, painful sex isn’t normal, so if you are experiencing pain during sex, talk with your doctor about it. I recommend keeping a journal monitoring your pain—what it feels like, what level it is, and what triggers it. Bring that journal with you to your appointment so that you have a clear record of what you’re experiencing. Pain with penetration can sometimes point to an STI, endometriosis, vaginismus, or vulvodynia. 

It could also be that you’re experiencing tissue inflammation, which can be painful. Try non-penetrative types of sex, like mutual masturbation, oral, or using fingers or a toy on your clit. If you still want to try out penetration, using a tool like the stackable rings by OhNut or a slim, short dildo can help make you more comfortable. 

You may have been raised to believe that period sex is totally off-limits and never OK, but the only person who can decide that is you (and your partners). If you decide it’s not for you, that’s fine! Just don’t let the misinformation and shame you were taught make that decision for you. 

And if you do decide that period sex is something you want to add to your sexual menu, then cool for you. 

Cassandra Corrado is a sex educator who works with adults to unlearn the harmful myths we learned when we were younger. Head to her website or Instagram to learn more!

Image via The Gender Spectrum Collection

An estimated 1 out of 5 folks with a uterus have what is known as a tilted uterus, and they might not even know it! Here’s everything you need to know about having a tilted uterus, including causes and the potential effects it can have on menstruation and conception. 

What is a tilted uterus?

A uterus can lean forward, called an anteverted uterus, or backward towards the rectum, which is known as a retroverted uterus. While a forward-leaning uterus is considered “typical,” approximately 20 percent of folks with a uterus have a retroverted tilt. Other names for a tilted uterus include a backward uterus, retroflexed uterus, and uterine retroversion. 

What causes a tilted uterus?

For most people, a tilted uterus is simply a physical variance that one is born with (other individuals may develop a tilted uterus as they grow older). While less common, a tilted uterus can also be caused by fibroids, endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease, pelvic surgery, and pregnancy (due to ligaments surrounding the uterus over-lengthening during the gestation period). If you’re unsure whether or not you have a tilted uterus and you’re comfortable having a pelvic exam, your physician can easily check to see how your uterus is positioned. 

Does a tilted uterus have an effect on menstruation?

The vast majority of people with a tilted uterus won’t experience any disruptions in their menstrual cycle. Despite this, there are some folks who may encounter exacerbated cramps or lower back pain before and during menstruation due to the position of their uterus. It is very common for those with a tilted uterus to have trouble using tampons or a menstrual cup. In fact, many people inadvertently discover they have a tilted uterus after repeatedly struggling to insert a tampon or menstrual cup. If these types of menstrual products are used, folks are more likely to experience leakage because of how the uterus is positioned.

What are some other symptoms of having a tilted uterus?

There are many people who have a tilted uterus who don’t realize it; that is to say, there are plenty of folks who won’t experience any of the following symptoms. Others might encounter one or several symptoms — the presence or frequency is entirely dependent on the individual’s unique body.

Pain during penetrative vaginal sex

Having a tilted uterus can make certain penetrative sex positions uncomfortable or even painful. The positions themselves vary and are deeply personal, but certain sex postions — such as from behind, reverse cowgirl, or any position that emphasizes deep thrusting — seem to be particularly problematic. Again, this is dependent on many individual factors, so an open dialogue with your partner is the best way to enjoy pain-free and pleasurable sex.

Difficulty conceiving

It’s important to note that most people don’t have trouble conceiving due to having a tilted uterus. Complications can arise if a tilted uterus is the result of fibroids, endometriosis, or pelvic inflammatory disease. If having a tilted uterus is having a negative effect on efforts to conceive, minor surgery is sometimes recommended to remove excess scar tissue surrounding the uterus. 

Other symptoms of having a tilted uterus include:

• increased frequency of UTIs
• issues with incontinence
• lower back pain when pregnant or menstruating

On the whole, a tilted uterus is nothing to worry about! However, if suspect that you have a tilted uterus and it's affecting your ability to go about your day-to-day life, be sure to get in touch with your doctor or OB-GYN.

Ashley Linkletter is a mental health, food, and nutrition writer based in Vancouver, BC. 

Photo by Nick de Partee on Unsplash

Abortions can look and feel vastly different from person-to-person and within an individual termination experience. The reasons someone may need or choose an abortion are varied, but no matter the circumstance or situation, everyone deserves physical and emotional care before, during, and after their abortion. If you're looking for ways to support yourself through an abortion experience or want to care for a friend or loved one, this guide to self-care for abortion offers ideas and tools for self (and community) care around a termination.

Community Care

You may choose to be as private or as public with your abortion as feels right. No matter what you decide, having community to support you through and after the procedure can be helpful. Maybe a friend, partner, or doula can accompany you to the clinic or be with you at home. You might ask folks to bring you food or pay for and order delivery meals or groceries. You could ask someone close to you to check-in with a text or phone call. An online support group or social media community like Shout Your Abortion could offer resources and connection with folks who've had similar experiences. And no matter what your immediate community looks like, you are not alone. Abortion is normal, in the US, according to data from 2014, about 1 in 4 people with a uterus will get an abortion before the age of 45.

Physical Healing

Your physical body may need some extra care in the days following your abortion. Follow the specific directions from your provider, as they should be tailored to your body and specific abortion procedure. Generally, however, you can gather any supplies that you need to take care of your body while you bleeds, including any menstrual garments or products that you use. You can plan to support your sleep and rest, doing what you can to make sure your body gets the sleep it needs to recover and heal. This might include setting up a comfy spot to rest or sleep, getting an eye mask or earplugs, and gathering any other sleep aids that support your rest. Food is another thing that helps your body heal. Eat for nourishment, pleasure, joy, comfort. Warming foods like bone or veggie broth and dishes seasoned with tumeric, ginger, or pepper can be especially comforting and healing for the body after an abortion procedure. Take any medications or supplements that your care provider suggests or prescribes, as well as anything you usually take for your functioning and well-being (as long as you know that there aren't any contraindications; if you're not sure, check with your care provider). As best you can, prepare to care for your body like you're sick or are recovering from a minor surgery—think comfort, rest, nourishment.

Meaning Making

This piece of self-care can be done immediately surrounding your abortion or years after the fact. An abortion does not have to be a significant life event. Your abortion(s) might register in your body and mind as just another physical experience and nothing remarkable. The experience could also feel big, intense, life-altering. Or maybe like "no big deal" one day and then "THE BIGGEST DEAL" the next. There's no right way to understand, describe, or feel about your experience. The meaning making is up to you. You could journal about the experience, make art, share your story with someone else. It might help to talk with a therapist or other support person as you're discovering and creating what your abortion(s) mean to you. Meditation, ritual, and any spiritual or religious practices that bring you comfort can also be helpful ways to reflect on and process your experience.

Self- and community-care around an abortion experience will look different for each person. Perhaps the biggest thing you can do to care for yourself is hear and know that you deserve support and love. No matter your reason(s) for getting an abortion, no matter how many terminations you've had, no matter how you feel about the process and experience, you deserve ease and care. If you want more support and aren't sure who to talk to, consider reaching out to a full-spectrum doula who offers abortion support. Here's to you—and the reproductive care you need, want, and deserve!

Beth Rich is a queer educator and full-spectrum cycle doula who works at the thresholds and intersections of menstruation, family-building, pregnancy, birth, loss, and other life transitions. They're a non-binary human who's excited to talk about bodies, periods, birth, and sex in language that holds space for all of us. Discover more of their work at thebethrich.com or on Instagram @thebethrich.

Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash

Period sex...some people love it, some folks hate it. In general, it has somewhat of a bad rep and carries a lot of stigma. What feels good in your body is always up to you, and I'm not here to try to change your mind. However, here are some suggestions that may be helpful as you tap into your own period pleasure. Whether you're quarantined alone (unless you're reading from the future—hi! Remember that time in the spring of 2020 when many of us stayed home in the face of a global pandemic?) or just want to experiment with period pleasure on your own before sharing it with a pal (or two, or a bunch!), this piece focuses on pleasure you can offer yourself as you bleed.

Get messy...or minimize it.

The thing that some of us get turned off by when it comes to sex + menstruation is, well, all the blood. You've got a few options here. You can lean into the mess, or minimize it. If you're not sure what would feel good, or are just in the mood to switch things up, try both! 

If you're leaning into all the bloody glory, take time to notice what the blood feels like between your fingers. Let it get all over your skin, your sheets, your toys if you're using them. Make the blood a part of your sexual experience. 

If you're looking to sex up your bleed, but want to avoid the messiness, you've also got options. Consider pleasuring yourself with a menstrual cup or disc in, or use a vibrator over your undies. Put a condom on a vibrator or dildo, or stick to external toys that will give you lots of feels without getting very messy. Get busy in the bathtub, where the water will slow your flow (kind of, your bleed doesn't stop in water, but the counter pressure of the water often stops or slows your blood from leaving your body).

Feel into what feels good.

It's true of all kinds of sex, but especially period sex and masturbation that it's all about what feels good to you, just as you are in that moment. Take the pressure off. Go in without a plan. Just follow what feels good to you and see where it leads. You may or may not have an orgasm. You might go with your oldie but goodie positions, moves, or toys, or maybe you'll discover something completely new.

Think kinky.

Kink is broad, and whether hearing the term feels intimidating or lights you up, period pleasure can be an opportunity to experiment and explore to find what kinks you enjoy. Many types of kink have to do with specific sensations and bleeding bodies are often more sensitive. Play to find what sensations feel good to you while you're menstruating. Does it feel good to be tied up, and if so, do you like the ropes to dig into your skin or do you prefer your bondage to feel like a firm, loving hug? To your comfort level, play with things like cold ice, warm wax, paddles, harnesses, clamps, or chains and notice what feels good. And if you don't have any kink gear on hand, get creative! There are lots of ways to DIY prickly, squeezing, spanky, and other kinky sensations. As you're exploring, do keep safety in mind, and if you aren't sure, seek out a sex or kink educator who can support you in safe and kinky period pleasure.

Be open to the "why" behind your period sex.

There are many reasons why we have sex, and many motivations for seeking period pleasure. Getting curious about your "why" may help you to engage in sex and pleasure that ultimately meets those goals and helps you feel how YOU want to feel. Perhaps you're after an orgasm or are just looking for a way to alleviate cramps. Maybe you want to connect to your body or something about the physical experience of menstruation turns you on. All of your "whys" are valid, and being open to them can help you maximize your period pleasure and create an experience that truly satisfies the needs and desires you're trying to meet.

In summary, period pleasure is all about you and your bleeding body. There are no rules, and there isn't actually one "normal." Whether you're into the blood, or are just in it for the pain relief, your bleed offers a unique opportunity to connect to your body and sexuality. Happy bleeding!

Beth Rich is a queer educator and full-spectrum cycle doula who works at the thresholds and intersections of menstruation, family-building, pregnancy, birth, loss, and other life transitions. They're a non-binary human who's excited to talk about bodies, periods, birth, and sex in language that holds space for all of us. Discover more of their work at thebethrich.com or on Instagram @thebethrich.

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

When I was a teenager, conversations with my friends about our vulvas made me question whether mine was normal, so I asked my mother for a reality check. At an age that was embarrassingly old to do this, I climbed on top of my dining room table and went into a full spread eagle, allowing my mom a bird’s-eye view. My mom reassured me that I was perfectly normal—if petite—in that area. 

Since then, I’ve discovered that I am not alone in my anxiety. In the research-focused journal “Body Image,” author Breanne Fahs wrote that “the increasing publicity around having a ‘designer vagina’—that is, perfectly symmetrical inner labia, a ‘tight’ vagina, and attractive and hairless outer labia,” has resulted in increasing insecurities.

But if so many vulva-having people are self-conscious, and the lack of representation in porn does little to counteract that, how are we supposed to build confidence in our most sensitive parts? I spoke with five women to learn if they’ve been able to overcome similar insecurities about their vulvas—and, if so, how they were able to do it.

As the child of a medical professional, Ashley* grew up knowing the difference between her “vagina” and “vulva.” Even so, when she first took a mirror downstairs to get a good look, it was nothing like she expected from the porn she had stolen glances at. “I had a small moment in time where I was embarrassed that it didn't look like the women on screen because those were the only vulvas I had seen outside of my own,” she told me. She would ritualistically check the mirror each week to see if her vulva had become “cooler,” but nothing changed. Over time, though, Ashley learned to feel comfortable with her differences. “I now know that she is different and that there is great importance in loving, pleasing, and caring for her.”

Raised in a religious, traditional household, Lindsay* feared her vulva “from a young age, as thoughts of sex and self-pleasure were absolutely off limits.” When she entered her first relationship with a woman, her girlfriend’s teasing about the shape of her labia made her “more hesitant in actually liking [her] vulva because it wasn’t ‘perfect.’” But, thanks to a random hookup, she gained a “new appreciation” for her vulva. Now, in her current relationship, she’s been able to move past the insecurities and fully enjoy sex. “Basically,” she told me, “I think my vulva and I are in a much better place than we were 10 years ago.”

For some, surgery is the path to an improved vaginal self-image. Casey’s* insecurities about her vulva were getting in the way of her enjoyment of sex, and no amount of external validation would change that. Since her labiaplasty, she told me that she feels more sexually confident. She said, “If women can feel good about their vaginas without surgery, then awesome—especially since insecurities are probably the product of stupid social pressures and unrealistic expectations perpetuated by porn.” But for Casey, the surgery has had a positive impact.

A very different surgery gave Megan* the opportunity to love her body in its entirety. Though, she told me, gender-affirmation surgery is incredibly painful, “when you’ve suffered for something you want, you either work at loving the outcome or you go absolutely crazy.” So she went along with months of follow-up procedures, knowing that they’d bring her closer to loving the area she once found “repugnant,” even as they created a “dissonance between [her] vulva and actual feelings of sexual pleasure.” Since then, she’s reconnected with her sexuality through exclusive parties and experimental dance.

For Jessica*, her vulva “could be a model for what that whole situation is ‘supposed’ to look like.” But problems arose when she married a man who desperately wanted children; something she wasn’t so sure about. With a diagnosis of polycystic ovarian syndrome, conception has been difficult—and the stress has been weighing on their marriage. Eventually, the routine sex simply for procreation’s sake had lost its appeal. “I had cerebrally given permission, but my body was clamping up. It was painful. I hated it.” While she understands that her husband, who has since asked for a divorce, has to advocate for what he needs to be happy, the message she takes away from her experience is that she’s not enough to salvage things. Even if her vulva is “cute and pink and attached to [her] personality.”

But Jessica, and anyone else featured in or reading this article, is enough. Whether your vulva looks straight out of a porno or you’ve never seen one like yours before; whether you’ve had surgery or decided against it; or whether you want to have children or have trouble conceiving—all of it’s okay. The appearance or perceived functionality of our vulvas and reproductive systems do not determine our value. 

There’s no right or wrong road to accepting, and eventually loving, your vulva. But as societal pressures and pornographic depictions continue leading us to question whether or not we’re normal, it becomes increasingly important to make the most of the vulva you have (or the vulva you get). So go on and celebrate it, however you see fit.

*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals.

Photo by Timothy Meinberg on Unsplash

Sarah duRivage-Jacobs is a writer, editor, and copywriter living in New York City with her creamsicle cat, Jasper.

It’s a random Tuesday. I’m at work, typing away on my computer for longer than I should without taking a break. My mouth feels dry, so I grab my water bottle and stand up. Immediately, I feel a quarter-sized blood clot squeeze its way out of my vagina, followed by a river of blood.

When I look down at my seat, there’s a dark spot spreading across the (fortunately) black fabric of my office chair. So I forget my dry mouth and rush to the bathroom, where I can see the damage my period has done. And then I tell my boss that I have to go home, because I’m having another bad period day.

Most people who bleed from their private bits have been there. It’s hard not to get a spot of blood on your pants every now and then. But it’s never just a small spot for me. I bleed through my pants as if it’s an Olympic sport and I’m going for the gold.

My periods have never been what you’d call normal, but sometime between senior year of college and that day at my desk two years ago, they became horrendous. Every time I saw a spot of red on the toilet paper, I’d prepare for war. Getting my period meant that I’d wake up five or six times during the night and waddle to the bathroom to clean myself up, sometimes trailing droplets of blood across my apartment on the way. It meant that I’d call in sick for two days, so I could be close to an endless supply of underwear and so no one at work would notice the inevitable bloody stain on my bottom. It meant that I canceled plans with friends, because no one wants to hang out with someone who has to duck into the bathroom every hour.

You’d think my life-ruining period would motivate me to check in with a doctor, because there’s clearly something wrong here. But it didn’t. I spent several years just dealing with it. I bought pads that looked like mini mattresses, I hovered over a toilet while twisting a menstrual cup into my vagina (and put a backup pad on just in case), I tried laying on a period sex blanket at night to soak up the overflow (even though I wasn’t having any sex).

I thought the bloody monsoon was something I’d always have to deal with; not normal for most people, but normal for me.

Guess what: bleeding so much that it affects the quality of your life, even for just a few days, isn’t normal for anyone. Abnormally heavy periods even have an official medical name: menorrhagia. “With menorrhagia, you can't maintain your usual activities when you have your period because you have so much blood loss and cramping,” the Mayo Clinic says. Hmm, sounds familiar. The clinic goes on to say that dreading your period because of heavy bleeding is a bad sign. And maybe you should check in with your doctor.

Eventually, I got so fed up with my periods that I did just that. My doctor told me that no, my periods definitely weren’t normal, and then referred me to an endocrinologist (a doctor who specializes in hormones). Not only did I learn that my heavy periods were caused by polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), but they were also exacerbating my already naturally low iron levels. I was severely anemic, and that made me tired all the time and constantly out of breath. It was a mess all around.

My doctor put me on birth control pills (which, as a lesbian, I’d never needed before) to regulate my blood flow. That was three months ago, and while the pill didn’t work a miracle to turn my loud, obnoxious periods into dainty ladies overnight, it certainly is helping. They’re getting shorter, a little bit lighter, and way more predictable. Before, I had no idea when my monstrous period would show up. Now, I know to expect it when my pills turn from yellow to brown.

So take if from me: if heavy periods are messing with your life, make the doctor appointment sooner rather than later. There’s no reason you need to suffer.

If you’re like me, you’re probably thinking that sure, your periods are heavy, but they’re not go-to-the-doctor heavy. So let’s make it clear. The symptoms, according to the Mayo Clinic, are: soaking through one or more pads or tampons every hour, needing to use double protection to control your menstrual flow, needing to wake up to change your pad, tampon, or menstrual cup during the night, bleeding for longer than a week, passing blood clots larger than a quarter, restricting daily activities due to heavy menstrual flow, and symptoms of anemia such as tiredness, fatigue, or shortness of breath.

You don’t have to have all of these symptoms at the same time for your heavy periods to “count.” The Mayo Clinic suggests checking in with your doctor even if the only symptom you have is bleeding through your pad or tampon, or overflowing your menstrual cup in one hour. Bottomline: If your periods make it impossible for you to do anything — go to work, hang out with friends, leave your house for more than an hour — then a doctor’s visit is worth it.

Our guest blogger Mika Doyle introduces us to Roo - Planned Parenthood's new sexual health chatbot - and explains how this can change the sex ed game.

When I was a kid, I had so many questions about what I was hearing in music and movies. I can still remember all the different — and completely incorrect — interpretations I had for what Alanis Morissette meant when she asked if her ex’s new girlfriend would “go down on you” in a theater in her iconic song “You Outta Know.”

The internet was just getting up and running back then, so I couldn’t turn to Google to figure out what Alanis was talking about. And I sure as heck never asked my mom. I mean, when I asked her what “sixty-nining” was, she just looked at me side-eyed and asked, “What do you think it means?” Awkward…

But today’s teens have seriously got it so much harder. The internet may have opened a wealth of information to them that people like me might not have had as kids, but it also dumps a minefield of misinformation right at their feet. And how are they supposed to figure out what’s true and what’s not?

That’s why it’s so cool to see Planned Parenthood come out with a new sexual health chatbot named Roo. It puts expert sexual health resources at teens’ fingertips 24/7, and it’s completely anonymous. And, tbh, you don’t need to be a teenager to benefit from this cool new resource.

Sexual Health Chatbot Available 24/7

Planned Parenthood designed Roo for people ages 13 to 17, but the organization says anyone can use the new chatbot to ask questions about their sexual health. You can personalize your experience by selecting from a list of gender options, which include female, male, trans man, trans woman, non-binary, name your own, or you can skip that completely and just start asking questions or select questions from a list if you’re not sure what to ask.

The chatbot will continue to evolve and be able to answer more questions on additional topics as more people interact with it, according to Planned Parenthood. Until then, if Roo can’t answer your question, it’ll connect you with other resources, including Planned Parenthood’s live educators through the organization’s chat/text program.

“We know that many young people are nervous or embarrassed to ask questions about their sexual health,” Dr. Leana Wen, president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America, said in a news release. “They often go online to get information and ask their questions anonymously. It’s important that our youth receive a reliable answer they can trust.”

The State of American Sex Education

Given that formal sex education in the United States is not standardized, it’s no wonder many people grow up to have a lot of questions about their sexual health. According to the Guttmacher Institute, more than 80 percent of teens did receive formal sexual health education between 2011 and 2013, but the focus was on abstinence and preventing STDs.

During that same time frame, only 55 percent of teen boys and 60 percent of teen girls received education on contraception, says the Guttmacher Institute. And the Guttmacher Institute says that, as of 2015, fewer than 6 percent of LGBT teens reported any positive representation of LGBT-related topics in their health classes. Because teens — especially LGBTQ teens — have so little access to quality sexual health resources, the Guttmacher Institute says they’re turning to the internet and other digital media for help.

Designed with Teens in Mind

The biggest hurdle in creating greater access to sexual health resources is eliminating the darn stigma surrounding sex. People feel embarrassed to ask questions about it. Planned Parenthood found that teens are still into texting and instant messaging, and a chatbot format gave them the same kind of format with the anonymity to ask personal, sexual health-related questions.

"Helping teens access trusted information — especially since so many young people aren't getting the sexual health education they need — makes this a rare sort of digital product," Gene Liebel, Work & Co co-founder, the company Planned Parenthood partnered with to create Roo, told Ad Age.

No matter how old you are, Roo is available to answer your questions 24/7 about your health, your body, relationships, and even services that Planned Parenthood offers. And can use it with the confidence that it’s back by actual health experts.

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

Our guest blogger, Laura Delarato, talks period sex - why we've been taught it's shameful, and why you need to start having orgasms every day of the month if you want. 

Oh my god, what the fuck!

Those words have chimed through my subconsciousness for years; verbally connected to a credulous man I was sleeping with when I was 24 years old who was not expecting to look down post-orgasm and find his groin and penis covered in menstrual blood. I’ll never forget that moment — it was disgust and shame and selfishness wrapped up in one ball of energy and placed right in my lap as I (equally shocked) sat up from the red spot.

Of course this was the reaction. We have been handed the narrative of disgusting menstruation for years; perpetuated by negative representations of the “that time of the month” through language and media spots — not to mention the sophomoric ways we hide the actual event behind blue liquid tampon/pad commercials to not offend. So when a person does have sex while they are on their period — or gets it right in the middle of sex — they are bringing along years of internalized stigma.

This is interesting. I have watched full-on murder scenes in film, the news will outright show graphic violence, Dr. Pimple Popper literally does full surgery on Instagram, but periods are gross and we should cover them up? The shame derives from a lot of places, but all of it tends to lead back to one location: Religion. Religious texts outline periods being impure. “Menstrual Taboos Among Major Religions”, in the Journal of World Health and Societal Politics, takes a look into how different religious texts view menstruating women. Menstruation has been used as justification to keep menstruators away from positions of authority (Christianity), sequester them (Islam), deem them poisonous (Buddhism), or just ritually unclean (Judaism), and many more. Of course, some taboos have been mowed down by science, education, empowerment, and female-driven companies, but a lot of shame still exists. We teach our prepubescent children to shame and be shamed by this outdated information. It’s a vicious cycle that then seeps into how we represent periods for the masses.

Period sex hasn’t really made it into our media zeitgeist. All I can remember is Jonah Hill’s character being tagged “Blood Brothers” with another partygoer after a woman he is dancing with gets period blood on his denim in Superbad; setting off a storm of awkward jokes and disgust. Wow. Okay, that’s a four minute scene that definitely doesn’t teach an appropriate response to a period. There is also Sansa’s first period scene in Game Of Thrones where she tries to hide the evidence as to not produce an heir for the Lannisters. And that scene in Friends when Monica does period math when she wants to have a baby. While period sex is not a full-on thing in media (except maybe this amazing moment in Crazy Ex Girlfriend), we are still left with these super intense depictions of just having a period. I’ll leave you with this well-known scene in Carrie where she is left unaware of her menstruation and taunted by her classmates because she thinks she is bleeding to death. Just, wow.

The only shame that we should acknowledge are the missed opportunities to have great sex because we’re afraid of it being gross and embarrassing. There’s more lubricant, oscillating hormones and major blood flow to the area might launch your sex drive skyward, and the orgasms reduce cramps!

Still feeling embarrassed?  Think about this: Period sex shame is, literally, man-made. It’s the patriarchy. Take that into consideration when you’re about to have period sex — every bit of information you’ve been given has directly correlated to a shame tactic for you to feel bad about your body. Own your body and your menses. You can even use this as a moment to feel more connected to your partner. Talk about fluid boundaries and mention your own comfort (cramps cramps cramps). Let this be an opportunity for both of you to strengthen your communication. Also, try different positions! Because your genitals might be more sensitive, you might be more interested in deep penetration. Experiment with this! And sure, it’s messy but so is regular sex. If you’re emotionally mature enough to touch genitalia, then you can extend that a bit more to accommodate menstruation.

So, has anything changed? We’re going in the right direction! We now have incredible TV episodes where menstruation is actually talked about i.e. Big Mouth’s Everybody Bleed, period conversations are becoming more mainstream especially as social media has expanded different POVs across the globe as a helpful resource — just YouTube search “period sex” and you’ll find a ton of people who want to talk to you about it. We’re getting there, babes.

I think a lot about that night years ago when I was 24 and totally fearful of what it meant to have period sex. I was so afraid. I internalized his complete lack of maturity into the intensely shameful story I had been told about my period. But, oddly, I don’t regret the experience. Of course, I wish I had better information to keep me secure in my body and push back on his offensive reaction. But that one singular moment allowed me to recognize the work we have to do to remove the stigma. Period sex is awesome. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Hey there! We're inviting Kristen Lilla, LCSW to share some wisdom around pleasure and finding pleasure in your body! Kristen is the only Certified Sex Therapist and Certified Sexuality Educator in the state of Nebraska. She is the co-author of Vaginas and Periods 101: A Pop-Up Book, available now for pre-order on Indiegogo.

What exactly do we mean when we talk about pleasure? The dictionary defines pleasure as “a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment.” Sexual pleasure is a bit more difficult to define, but probably still entails feelings of satisfaction and enjoyment. It may vary from person to person and include feelings of intimacy and closeness, or refer to physical stimulation and orgasm. It’s difficult to have a singular definition of pleasure since it is such a personal experience. 

Sometimes pleasure gets a bad rep. Pleasure may be seen as indulgent or selfish, such as when we take pleasure in someone else’s misfortune or gorge an entire box of chocolate in one sitting. When this sense of bliss comes from a place of wanting revenge or instant gratification, we might feel guilty after achieving it, rather than satisfied. So how can you engage in pleasure without being selfish or feeling guilty?

Think Of The Self Care

Fortunately, pleasure can also be viewed as a healthy form of self-care, including as a way to experience intimacy on a deeper level with someone you love and care about. The practice of self-care differs from being self-indulgent or selfish because it is the necessary act of taking care of one’s self. Self-care focuses on the things we do for ourselves to alleviate stress, relieve anxiety, combat depression, and feel worth. Taking care of you is one of the most powerful ways to taking care of someone else. It is the very act of self-care that allows us to take care of other’s and to meet their needs. Just like the phrase, “put your own oxygen mask on first, before helping others,” you must take care of yourself so you have the energy to assist others.

So what might non-sexual self-care look like? It could be sipping a hot latte, taking a warm bath, planning a vacation, petting your dog, taking a yoga class, or watching a documentary. No matter which form of self-care you engage in, the intention is to unwind. What works as self-care for some, won’t work for others. Try a bunch of different things to determine what works best for you. Recognize that you will need to have a variety of choices depending on the time of day, your surroundings, and the amount of privacy you get. Being relaxed and satisfied will lead to feeling a sense of pleasure.

Perhaps engaging in self-care will allow you to be relaxed enough to engage in more erotic pleasure such as masturbation or sexual intimacy (unless that is your self-care). Pleasuring yourself can be a satisfying experience that brings about confidence, an increased sense of self, and being comfortable in your own body. Look for ways to enhance pleasuring yourself by lying in a different position, taping yourself, using a toy, or reading erotica. Consider masturbation experimentation a form of self-care!

Sex & Pleasure

Finally, there is the most stereotypical kind of pleasure, which results from sexual satisfaction with a partner, resulting in a mind-blowing orgasm. Be realistic - this is a standard we derive from Hollywood and porn, and not necessarily the best guide. When it’s achieved, it results in mutual pleasure and satisfaction, but when it sets an unrealistic expectation or puts pressure on people, it takes away the fun.

That being said, some of us take pleasure in seeing our partner experience pleasure. We might feel sexual pleasure without having an orgasm. As mentioned above, the pleasure might stem from feelings of closeness and intimacy. Use it as an opportunity to communicate and share with your partner the ways you get pleasure. You can tell them how much pleasure you get from watching the sunrise as a form of self-care and then tell them how to touch you so it makes you excited and aroused. Find out the ways your partner seeks pleasure. Then, go find pleasurable bliss together.